I wish I could say that from the day I unexpectedly found out I was pregnant with Ellie to the day I just as unexpectedly lost her and everything that happened between I had complete faith in the Lord's plan. But I didn't. There were times I couldn't help but ask why. Why didn't my baby develop correctly despite my daily prayers for my growing baby. Why wasn't Ellie's first surgery successful in relieving her laryngomalacia so she wouldn't require a trach. Why couldn't we get any nursing care to help relieve the strain of caring for Ellie? Why? Why? Why?
As time went on, and I gained a little more perspective, I was able to realize that Heavenly Father doesn't always answer our prayers by taking the challenges away. Instead, he answers our prayers by strengthening us and helping us grow so we can get through the challenges. After all, the reason we came to Earth was to learn and grow as we are tried and tested. As soon as I started recognizing all of the ways we had been strengthened and lifted as we faced our challenges, I couldn't deny Heavenly Father's role in helping us all along the way.
The last few months of Ellie's life were wonderful. I had reached a point where I had put my trust completely in the Lord and was willing to accept whatever Ellie's future held because I fully believed that whatever happened was part of His plan and He would be there to help us through. During this time I found so much joy in caring for Ellie and was willing to make whatever sacrifices were necessary.
In the hours after Ellie's death I felt my mind start to race - what happened? what did we miss? why did I go home that night? if I would have been there I would have known. if I would have caught it earlier could we have saved her? how much did she suffer? was she wondering where I was? I'm sorry Ellie. I'm sorry I let you down.
As my mind started going down this path a very peaceful feeling came over me and my mind cleared until only one clear thought remained - It was her time.
Right now I am at complete peace with the fact that Ellie was never intended to be on the Earth long. In fact, I feel quite strongly that the 15 months she endured in her imperfect mortal body were a gift to us. I am writing this down now because I know in the coming weeks, months, and years the questions of what if and why will come up again and again and I don't want to forget that I know the answer.
I miss Ellie so much it hurts.
I miss holding her in my arms and seeing her smiling face. I wish with my whole heart she was still here. But, I know this is all part of God's Plan, and that I will be with her and have the chance to raise her, again.
In the hours after Ellie's death I felt my mind start to race - what happened? what did we miss? why did I go home that night? if I would have been there I would have known. if I would have caught it earlier could we have saved her? how much did she suffer? was she wondering where I was? I'm sorry Ellie. I'm sorry I let you down.
As my mind started going down this path a very peaceful feeling came over me and my mind cleared until only one clear thought remained - It was her time.
Right now I am at complete peace with the fact that Ellie was never intended to be on the Earth long. In fact, I feel quite strongly that the 15 months she endured in her imperfect mortal body were a gift to us. I am writing this down now because I know in the coming weeks, months, and years the questions of what if and why will come up again and again and I don't want to forget that I know the answer.
I miss Ellie so much it hurts.
I miss holding her in my arms and seeing her smiling face. I wish with my whole heart she was still here. But, I know this is all part of God's Plan, and that I will be with her and have the chance to raise her, again.
6 comments:
This is a really good idea to write this down. And it is well-written. Hugs. We love you. I really think you did the best you could with the situation that you were given. Everything you felt was real and normal. I am so glad you were blessed to have the last few months with Ellie. I know that Heavenly Father must have been so pleased with you because you trusted Him and His will and you were willing to do anything He asked. I hope you find comfort in that. I don't think you let Ellie down!! I truly feel that you were such a good mom to Ellie and your nursing skills were such an asset to you (especially those first few months when you were basically running a hospital at home). I am so glad you got the answer you did and that you are able to feel a little peace in such a difficult situation. If you remember that sign I made for Ellie a year ago with her descriptive words and we put "a precious gift" - that is absolutely perfect description of her!
I felt that same warm feeling just reading this post. Rachel, you are remarkable. You've shown so much faith and strength, I know you and your family will be blessed for it. <3
The "what ifs" and "whys" are so hard... I am glad you feel at peace, at least when it comes to knowing that Ellie wasn't meant to be on this Earth long.
Missing someone is so painful... I wish you guys didn't have to go through this. But I hope and pray that as time goes on, the pain and hurt will be less.
Thank you for continuing to be an example to me. As your sweet former bishop counseled you and Scott to write down impressions of and lessons from Ellie, you clearly took heed. You are a strength to me. That, perhaps, is just one of the answers to some of your "whys". I need you in my life.
I think of you all the time! Your faith and strength are amazing!
I have wanted to comment on so many things you have written but just like the day of the funeral, I can't think of anything to say... womp womp. Every time I look at pictures of Ellie I feel the pain of the loss too and I just know that there isn't anything I could really say to make it better. Your family is amazing though and even though it's not easy, I believe your example has touched so many, many lives including my own. Anybody who EVER met Ellie could never forget her. She was so dang cute and made you feel full of love. I will never forget just the short times I got to spend with her. It's hard for me personally to think of Ellie and not relate it to Ivy. No mother should ever have to go through what your going through. However, I love your perspective on everything and your family is still in our prayers!
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