Thursday, August 1, 2013
Home Semisweet Home
We're home! Not just home from the hospital, but home to our own house! This is the moment I have been looking forward to for the last 3 months, but when we brought Ellie home from the hospital Thursday night it wasn't quite the glorious reunion I had imagined. We were greeted by box upon box of medical supplies and equipment. Oh the equipment! We have stationary suction, portable suction, a pulse oximeter, an oxygen concentrator, a stationary oxygen tank for back up, portable oxygen tanks, an air compressor and humidifier for Ellie's trach mask. I thought I would feel happy but all I felt was scared, overwhelmed, panicked, inadequate, trapped, sad, and tired...so very tired! I spent 90% of the day Friday crying as I looked around my house that looked more like a hospital storage room than a home and the reality of our new life hit me full force. This is not just oxygen for a couple of months. This is altering our life forever. A life I didn't sign up for, that I didn't want. I felt like I was drowning. That was five days ago. In the last five days we have started to get things organized and figure out a routine. I wish I could say everything is better now. Each day has gotten a little easier (emphasis on little) as we move forward and figure out how to make this work. I still wish I could just say, "I give up! I fail this challenge!"and the last year would be washed away and life would go back to the way we planned it to be. But I can't do that. I have no other choice but to keep putting one foot in front of the other and take it a day at a time. I hope one day I will look back at this post and say, "Look how far we've come!" In the mean time we are slowly working on transitioning the older kids home with us. We started with some visits during the day with the kiddos, but they would still sleep at my parents' house. We couldn't refuse when Mason and Brynn begged to move back home and sleep in their bunk beds so they are now home full time with us. Miles spends the day with us but is still sleeping at my parents' house for the time being. As crazy as it can be having all the kids here while trying to take care of Ellie it feels good to be together as a family again.
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7 comments:
We love you all!! And we're still sending prayers. The kids bless Ellie in EVERY SINGLE PRAYER they say - and I think a child's prayer has to count for at least double since they are so sweet, sincere and close to the Spirit. I am positive Heavenly Father is watching your family very closely and sending you extra little helps and hands when needed.
Wow, Rach. I have been thinking of you so much. You are amazing. I'm so glad you've kept up your blog. I wish I was there in Utah to take the kids on an outing, take you to lunch, take an Ellie shift ...or something. You are inspirational, seriously. Know our thoughts and prayers are with you.
I am glad you are able to get back home. I am so sorry that this has happened to you. I know I would feel scared too. Seriously - call me if your kids want to come over to play. I have a TON of toys and a big backyard and sandbox (you've been here). If you feel like that's something your kids would enjoy let me know. If you want me to come just to take your kids to the park with mine to get to know us better first - let me know.
I do have something for you - so you'll have to let me know when I can come by to drop something off. I don't want to just show up - but I will if I don't hear from you. ;) I'll continue praying for you and you should just know that you are doing AMAZING and are an amazing mom.
That last one was me - sorry I didn't realize I was signed in as Spencer
I'm just now reading this! So glad to hear that she is home. I cannot imagine the feelings of fear and being overwhelmed that you are going through. Just know how much of a hero and inspiration I think you are!! I can't imagine a stronger person and incredible mom than you are. We pray for both you and Eliie every day. I hope that it will get easier as the days and weeks go on. Please let me know if I can help!! I want to take you out for a pedicure or lunch soon! Love ya, hang in there. You are doing a great job.
Oh my goodness, I have been out of town where I didn't have my private blog bookmarks, so I just now caught up on your last month of posts and am literally in tears at all you and your little family have been through. It's absolutely true that the most amazing people I know seem to have to endure the most difficult trials. I wish there was something I could do to help. I will say that post of Ellie after she had her tracheotomy and was smiling and laughing is so precious--what a beautiful thing! It is clear she is amazing like her mom.
Hate that you're having to go through all this, but can't help but think that it's happening to you because you're such an incredible person who pretty much rocks at life, even when it's not exactly as planned.
Thank you for the updates! You are awesome. And I mean that in the literal sense of true "awe." I don't think anyone could have handled such an overwhelming situation like you have. Ellie and the rest of your kids couldn't possibly be in better hands.
Years ago, while teaching literature units in junior high, I read The Hiding Place with my students. Author Corrie ten Boom became an instant hero of mine. She has penned pages of wise words; perhaps this one phrase that I love has some application to your here and now: "Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow; it empties today of its strength." (and in the moments when you just have to worry a bit, please let us step in and be of strength to you all!) love you. . .
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